The Journey to Motherhood - Love and Loss

In the grand scheme of things, I left it reasonably late in life to start a family. This is not a decision I regret at all and (I think) I am a better parent for it. 

I was one of those people who thought as soon as I decided to have children…. I would. I thought it was me who was in control of that decision - after all those years of taking contraception in one form or other.

But on my journey to motherhood, I learnt that making a new life, isn’t that easy. In fact, it’s really quite hard…. and emotional…. and full of highs... and lows.

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2012 after 7 years together, and we absolutely knew (by this stage in our relationship) that we wanted to start a family. We fell pregnant in early January of 2013. 

We were in Thailand at the time and we just knew. Even though we didn’t have the clearblue proof at the time, we just knew that we were. We stood on a beach one evening and let off two Chinese lanterns. One for my husband’s mother, who we had recently lost, and one for the new life we looked forward to welcoming. We were beyond excited.

On returning to the UK, we couldn’t wait to take the test…. Even though it was two days too early… our excitable selves just couldn’t wait ... and sure enough we were right. Clearblue confirmed it. It was early proof, but proof none the less. 

We skipped through the next few weeks like giddy teenagers who’d fallen in love all over again…. Which we had. Not only with each other and our excitement at being parents, but with the new life we were growing. It was ours. It was us. The two of us, growing into one human being, inside of me.

I felt amazing, I felt glowing…. If I’m honest, I felt little bit sick… a lot of the time, but not so much that it overshadowed the happiness … and it was my little reminder of the life inside.

For me, I thought this was it. We’d done it. We’d successfully created a life and the pregnancy would continue until we were ready to give birth. 

But on the other side of this optimism, I remember the worry so vividly. Every cramp, every slight bit of spotting, I asked myself if everything was OK. I googled signs and symptoms more than I ever have in my life!

I bought all the books, the ones which let you know each weekly development and I memorised each one.

It was a Sunday, early in our 8th week that I started to have some bleeding and stomach cramps. These got so bad that we ended up in A&E. With little they could do for us there and then, we were referred to the early pregnancy unit the following morning for a follow up. The overnight wait was terrifying, as was sitting in the waiting room of this strange place, knowing all of these people were here because things weren’t necessarily ‘going to plan’. We watched as couples went in before us ... and witnessed the aftermath of the news they’d been given.  We saw the relief and happiness on the faces of those receiving the news they were hoping for, but we also saw the heart wrenching hurt etched on the faces of others, whose news was anything but good.

We waited with pounding hearts and clammy palms ... and a no doubt unhealthy level of anxiety.

Our names were called. I’m not sure how much I listened to the pre-amble, I was so desperate to know if everything was OK! They’d warned us that it was very early to perform a scan and they weren’t entirely sure how much we’d see, or hear...  but they agreed to perform one anyway. 

The moment that we saw our baby and heard its heart beat was indescribable! Smiles beamed across our faces as our dream of being parents was reignited.

Because it was such an early scan and because of the symptoms we’d presented with, we were then under the care of the early pregnancy unit and they wanted to see us 2 weeks later for another scan which could show much more. But we left this strange place the ‘lucky ones’, optimistic that all was OK.

Fast-forward two weeks and we arrived for our second appointment. I have to admit, there was no-where near the level of anxiety as the last, as after all we’d seen our baby and heard its heart beat. We walked into our appointment, probably slightly excited at the chance of seeing our baby again. Another scan before the ‘official’ one.

With the benefit of hindsight, I’m not sure whether my inner excitement didn’t make the news we were about to receive, that much worse. That moment the sonographer is trying to find what she’s looking for and you are trying to read her face, as with every second that passes your heart starts to worry. What can, or can’t she see. Why hasn’t she spoken yet. What does it all mean?

We were roughly 10 weeks pregnant and no heart beat could be found. Our world crumbled. My tears uncontrollable. I was so painfully distraught. It’s a feeling I struggle to put into words, so I didn’t. I just cried, and cried and cried.

We were taken into a side room, where we were left to mourn.

It may seem odd to some, to mourn something you never really had. But to us this was our son, or daughter. The beginning of a life we were excited to nurture, to love ... and in a second it was all taken away.

The following morning ... I underwent an operation.

4 years on, I still think about our baby. It still hurts to have lost. I feel guilty for moving on with my life without them in it.

Over the next year, we fell pregnant again - twice. We lost them both. 

It’s hard to write this without it being sad and emotional and I know I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last to have experienced this, or something similar. My heart goes out to anyone who loses a child, however early, or however late. It’s important to talk, to share your feelings. It’s the only thing that got me through. And if speaking about it openly helps one person to feel like they are not alone… then I hope this has helped.

Of course, we did go on to conceive again, exactly a year after our first pregnancy. Due to our history, we were immediately put under consultant care. (We do have the most amazing NHS at our fingertips and I have never taken for granted the help and support they offered us during our darkest days and our most awesome days!)

My blood levels were monitored pretty much from day one, to check my hormone and progesterone levels. As soon as they saw these falling (progesterone), I was given a supplement. I took these for the first 3 months and although it was a very, very nervous time (understatement of the year), we were well looked after and went on to have a very happy, very healthy pregnancy, with a beautiful boy to show for it!

...and a second, 18 months later.

But I will never forget - we have others ... in our hearts.