Today...
Today I was a bad parent
Today my kids pushed me to every limit
Today I broke
Today I feel so guilty about breaking
Today I love my kids more than ever
Life can be so confusing. Today both my kids were equally as trying, equally as needy, equally as whiney ... and I literally did not get a minutes peace. Usually it's one ... not both of them ... and not for the entire day, but today was an onslaught, a punishing attack from every angle, not a moment that I wasn't mediating, consoling, counselling, feeding, cleaning, weeing in peace. I could feel myself clock watching... and I resent that. I love my life and I love my kids, but today was a ... is it 7.15 pm yet? can I get a moment to myself? Can I have a glass of wine? Can I rest? ... kind of day. But today, I also found out that a friend of a friend passed away from a brain tumour. She was the same age as me, she has two young boys and she will never see them again. How unfair is that, how painfully sad. I cannot even begin to imagine her journey to this point and it hounds me that today was the day that I fought with my children to get through the day. Today was a battle of emotions. Today I have put my eldest son to bed with a little unsettlement in the air. Today I was torn between disciplining and loving with all of my heart! Tonight I hope my son hops in to bed with me, so I can hug him a little bit tighter, to show him how much I really love him, despite his moments (or days) of pushing me to my limits. Today I thank whoever, or whatever the greater power is, that gave me my wonderful, determined, gorgeous, trying, patience zapping children. I love them, more than they will ever know.
Today, I sent this as an e-mail to my husband (it was never meant to be a blog post, just me offloading)
...and today, I received his reply.
“Omg, I’m blubbing at 5.30 am... you are an amazing Mummy to them both ... please please don’t ever tell yourself you were wrong to teach the boys the right things in life to make them better people for the rest of their lives... they will ALWAYS thank you in the long run ... because their Mummy taught them wrong from right to make them a lovely kind person.
Their lives are about learning right and part of learning is testing rules.. you stood fast ... tick , another wall that they can’t break so they re-think their logic .
Please think in those darkest moments of all the things that we all say to you about how WONDERFUL a mother you are . GENUINELY THE BEST!
And I hope our little man has come up tonight so you can give him a squish!! Because he loves you sooooo much Mummy.
WE LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH”
TODAY... I am grateful, for all that I have!